Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Fantuz's Africa

Top CFL free agent Andy Fantuz is apparently off in Africa somewhere,and hasn't signed anywhere yet. Glen Maskerine had the brilliant idea to reference Toto's famous song, and that inspired me to rewrite the lyrics for him. Here you are:



They hear the tweets echoing tonight
But I hear only whispers of some CFL conversation
GMs are coming in, 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards free agency
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long-forgotten wisdom or means of celebrity
He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, money's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to get me to sign with you
There's nothing a hundred thousand bucks could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to sign the deal I've never had

The wild Riders' fans cry out in the night
As they grow restless, longing for some WR company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as sales of my cereal rise like Greg Carr above the Hamilton DBs
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of these tweets that drive me numb

It's gonna take a lot to get me to sign with you
There's nothing a hundred thousand bucks could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to sign the deal I've never had

Hurry, GMs, he's waiting there for you

It's gonna take a lot to get me to sign with you
There's nothing a hundred thousand bucks could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to sign the deal I've never had

Thursday, February 09, 2012

The Lingerie Football League as a sign of the Apocalypse

Few things enrage me more than the Lingerie Football League, an objectifying, safety-disregarding, deeply-troubling vindictive concern under the questionable leadership of Mitch Mortaza, who's been blasted by many former players. The league has more in common with a strip club than an athletic endeavour, as both involve scantily-clad women cavorting around for the entertainment of men: the chief differences are that strippers don't usually get concussed on stage, and at least they're paid for their trouble. Thus, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to hear that the LFL's heading to my backyard in Abbotsford. I already wrote a serious, analytical take on why this is a horrible idea, but I figured it deserved an over-the-top apocalyptic one too, especially considering Abbotsford's Bible Belt reputation. In that vein, here's Revelation 6 rewritten to be about the LFL's cross-Canada expansion.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Tebow Christ Superstar, The Complete Musical



The following is the culmination of a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks. It started as just a Twitter joke about the applicability of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar musical to Tim Tebow’s rise and fall, but got stuck in my head and turned into something more. Sure, Tebow isn’t playing in today’s Super Bowl, but he’s still very much present in the coverage; he notably drew more attention than Joe Montana at one point and was featured in an ESPN pre-game special. Given that his mortal adversaries, the Patriots, are featured in today’s Super Bowl, I figured it was as good a time as any to post this (that, and I finally finished it). Following in the success of The Marchand Of Venice, the Bucholtz Repertory Company presents the total conversion of Jesus Christ Superstar into Tebow Christ Superstar.

Dramatis Personae
Jesus – Tim Tebow, a TE or a QB?
Judas –John Fox, the Broncos’ coach
Caiaphas – Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ coach
Annas – Tom Brady, the Patriots’ QB
Mary Magdelene – Katy Perry, a rumoured songstress who's been linked to Tebow
Simon Zealotes – Von Miller, the Broncos’ LB
Pilate – Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner
Herod – Gene  Sterotore, an NFL referee
Peter – Eddie Royal, the Broncos’ receiver
John – D.J. Williams, the Broncos’ LB
James – Champ Bailey, the Broncos’ safety
Priest – Bill O’Brien, the Patriots’ offensive coordinator
Soldiers, people in courtyard – Patriots’ Wes Welker, Jerod Mayo, Vince Wilfork, Rob Gronkowski