Few things enrage me more than the Lingerie Football League, an objectifying, safety-disregarding, deeply-troubling vindictive concern under the questionable leadership of Mitch Mortaza, who's been blasted by many former players. The league has more in common with a strip club than an athletic endeavour, as both involve scantily-clad women cavorting around for the entertainment of men: the chief differences are that strippers don't usually get concussed on stage, and at least they're paid for their trouble. Thus, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to hear that the LFL's heading to my backyard in Abbotsford. I already wrote a serious, analytical take on why this is a horrible idea, but I figured it deserved an over-the-top apocalyptic one too, especially considering Abbotsford's Bible Belt reputation. In that vein, here's Revelation 6 rewritten to be about the LFL's cross-Canada expansion.
1And I saw when the Mortaza opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
2And I saw, and behold a blue-clad Toronto franchise. And to it was given the power of incompetence, the power to make its players revolt, and the power to lose 74-0 and have bench-clearing brawls.
3And when Mortaza had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
4And there went out another franchise that was destined for Abbotsford, and power was given to it to take peace from the Lower Mainland, and that its players should concuss each other, and there was given unto them no protective apparel.
5And when Mortaza had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo! A horse with a Ticketmaster logo! And he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
6And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A ticket for $48, and an expected crowd of 4,000 to 6,500, and we're totally not making this up.
7And when Mortaza had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.
8And I looked, and beheld a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Injury, and Post-Concussion Syndrome followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the league's roster, to hurt with tackles, and with poor gear, and with lacking medical and safety protocols.
9And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were injured to promote the LFL, and to line the pockets of the Mortaza.
10And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Government, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that run the LFL?
11And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for another season, until the LFL's imminent destruction.
12And I beheld when the Mortaza had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake, and the sun appeared in Vancouver in February, and the moon vanished, and the Fraser River ran red with salmon.
13And the stars of the LFL fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
14And the league departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every franchise was moved out of its place.
15And the premiers of the earth, and the mayors, and the councillors, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the Lions' dens and in the Rocky Mountains;
16And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the Mortaza.
17For the great day of his reckoning is come; and who shall be able to stand?
(Alternative apocalyptic ending: The horror, the horror.)