Wednesday, June 01, 2011

The Canucks' version of A New Hope

It is a period of cold war. The Vancouver Canucks, striking from a hidden base, have won their first, second and third series victories against allies of the evil Galactic Empire. Now, they must confront the Empire itself, which has taken on the new name of the "Boston Bruins" but kept its old logo (with slight revisions). By watching footage of Boston's most recent battles, Vancouver coaches managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, TIM THOMAS, a clogging-up-space station with enough padding to deflect an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Henrik Sedin races home aboard his starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save his hockey team and restore freedom to the galaxy…



HENRIK SEDIN as Princess Leia (a twin, a key figure in the Rebellion)

ZDENO CHARA as Darth Vader (tall, violent)

DANIEL SEDIN as Luke Skywalker (a twin, capable of hitting small targets)

RYAN KESLER as Han Solo (cocky, shows up unexpectedly)

MANNY MALHOTRA as Obi-Wan Kenobi (called back into action from the sidelines)

ANDREW ALBERTS as C-3PO (tall (6'5'') and awkward)

KEITH BALLARD as R2-D2 (short (5'11''), importance underrated by many)

GARY BETTMAN as Grand Moff Tarkin (he'll blow up a rebellious market from time to time)

ALAIN VIGNEAULT as Jan Dodonna (he's picked out Vancouver's target)

CHRISTIAN EHRHOFF as Wedge Antilles (no one talks about him much, but he's crucial to the Rebellion's success)

MIKAEL SAMUELSSON as Biggs Darklighter (knocked out by the Empire, but important to getting them this far)

TIM THOMAS as the Death Star (dangerous, seemingly-impenetrable defences, but not really)



ANDREW ALBERTS: "Their forwards are heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the penalty box formerly reserved for Phil Kessel or smashed into who knows what!"


HENRIK SEDIN: "Zdeno Chara, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The NHL's discipline committee will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked Max Pacioretty..."


DANIEL SEDIN: "What is it?"

MANNY MALHOTRA: "Your father's hockey stick. This is the weapon of a Sedin twin. Not
as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time."


HENRIK SEDIN: "General Malhotra, years ago you almost served this franchise in the Bure trade. Now they beg you to help them in their struggle against the Empire. ... This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Manny Malhotra, you're my only hope."


GARY BETTMAN: "The NHL discipline committee will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently."


ZDENO CHARA: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a franchise is insignificant next to the power of my elbows."


HENRIK SEDIN: "The more you tighten your grip, Bettman, the more franchises will slip through your fingers."


RYAN KESLER: "I ain't in this for your Stanley Cup victory, and I'm not in it for you, Henrik. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money!"


ALAIN VIGNEAULT: "Tim Thomas' goal is heavily shielded and carries pads larger than half the star fleet. Its defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault. A small one-man breakaway should be able to penetrate the outer defenses. ... The target area is only two inches wide. It's a small hole in the padding, right below Thomas' glove. The opening leads directly to the net. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the Bruins."

CHRISTIAN EHRHOFF: "That's impossible, even for a computer."

DANIEL SEDIN: "It's not impossible. I used to bullseye targets in my NHL All-Star Game appearances. They're not much bigger than two inches."


MIKAEL SAMUELSSON: "Sir, Daniel is the best sniper in Sweden's outer rim territories."


MANNY MALHOTRA: "Use the Force, Daniel!"


ZDENO CHARA: "I have you now."


RYAN KESLER: "You're all clear, Sedin! Now let's blow this thing and go party!"


RYAN KESLER: "Well, I wasn't gonna let you get all the credit."



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