Sporting Madness

Top CFL free agent Andy Fantuz is apparently off in Africa somewhere,and hasn't signed anywhere yet. Glen Maskerine had the brilliant idea to reference Toto's famous song, and that inspired me to rewrite the lyrics for him. Here you are: They hear the tweets echoing tonight But I hear only whispers of some CFL conversation GMs are coming in, 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards free agency I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some long-forgotten wisdom or means of celebrity He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, money's waiting there for you" It's gonna take a lot to get me to sign with you There's nothing a hundred thousand bucks could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to sign the deal I've never had The wild Riders' fans cry out in the night As they grow restless, longing for some WR company I know that I must do what's right As sure as sales ...

Few things enrage me more than the Lingerie Football League, an objectifying , safety-disregarding , deeply-troubling vindictive concern under the questionable leadership of Mitch Mortaza, who's been blasted by many former players . The league has more in common with a strip club than an athletic endeavour, as both involve scantily-clad women cavorting around for the entertainment of men: the chief differences are that strippers don't usually get concussed on stage, and at least they're paid for their trouble. Thus, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to hear that the LFL's heading to my backyard in Abbotsford. I already wrote a serious, analytical take on why this is a horrible idea , but I figured it deserved an over-the-top apocalyptic one too, especially considering Abbotsford's Bible Belt reputation. In that vein, here's Revelation 6 rewritten to be about the LFL's cross-Canada expansion.

The following is the culmination of a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks. It started as just a Twitter joke about the applicability of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar musical to Tim Tebow’s rise and fall, but got stuck in my head and turned into something more. Sure, Tebow isn’t playing in today’s Super Bowl, but he’s still very much present in the coverage; he notably drew more attention than Joe Montana at one point and was featured in an ESPN pre-game special. Given that his mortal adversaries, the Patriots, are featured in today’s Super Bowl, I figured it was as good a time as any to post this (that, and I finally finished it). Following in the success of The Marchand Of Venice , the Bucholtz Repertory Company presents the total conversion of Jesus Christ Superstar into Tebow Christ Superstar. Dramatis Personae Jesus – Tim Tebow, a TE or a QB? Judas –John Fox, the Broncos’ coach Caiaphas – Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ coach Annas – Tom Brady, the Patrio...