Baseball
"It was a pretty serious situation. I pray for his buttocks and his family." - Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden discusses the abcess removed from the posterior of pitcher Jesus Colome.
"It's not lies if we knew the truth." - Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi on the misinformation he spread about closer B.J. Ryan's elbow
"I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger." - Seattle outfielder Ichiro Suzuki (via a translator) on facing countryman Daisuke Matsuzaka
"He looking for changeup. He find it." - Arizona pitcher Yusmeiro Petit, on giving up Barry Bonds' 740th home run
"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5'6 1/2'' and a strapping 150. And unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally." - NBC broadcaster Bob Costas, on Barry Bonds calling him a "little midget man"
"Hey, it looks like Barry Bonds might end up in pinstripes after all." - The Orlando Sentinel's Mike Bianchi after Bonds was indicted
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning, he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding. Unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs." - Jimmy Kimmel
Football (American)
"I don't condone dogfighting, catfighting, cockfighting or bullfighting, but before it comes out in the papers, I have a confession: I bet heavily on hamster lacrosse."
- Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle on Michael Vick
"Some people get vasectomies. I used to give them." - Former NFL lineman Conrad Dobler, considered by many to be one of the dirtiest players in league history:
"He may be drawing on someone else's experiences." - Former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber on the announcement of Dallas Cowboys' wide receiver Terrell Owens' new children's book, Little T Learns to Share
"I'm realizing how ignorant you guys are. But I didn't mean that in a bad way."
- Chicago Bears' "quarterback" Rex Grossman to the press on Super Bowl media day
"We had better signs, but Belichick stole them." - Sign in the stands when the Baltimore Ravens played Belichick's New England Patriots in the wake of the Spygate scandal
Football (European, otherwise known as soccer)
"If Rafa (Benitez) said he wanted to buy Snoogy Doogy, we would back him." - Liverpool co-owner George Gillett showing his faith in his manager by giving him money to buy a mispronounced rapper (Snoop Dogg)
"You know, omelettes, eggs? If you have no eggs, you have no omelette. And it depends upon the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have Class One, Two and Three eggs. Some are more expensive and make better omelettes. So when Class One eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem." - Ex-Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, on his injury list causing problems
"To be the England manager you must win every game, not do anything in your private life and hopefully not earn too much money." - Former England manager (and current Manchester City manager) Sven-Goran Eriksson on the demands of the national team job
"Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin." - At least Peter Crouch recognizes that his looks aren't great
"David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer." - Jay Leno
Hockey
"If one hockey player ever does that show he's never gonna live to tell about it." - Detroit Red Wings defenceman Chris Chelios on Dancing With The Stars
"I don't feel I have a concussion problem. I have a problem with people giving me traumatic blows to the head." - Ottawa Senators' forward Dean McAmmond
Rugby
"Head coach of the England team demands management skills that Brian does not have. Somehow we'd managed to turn our World Cup campaign into a Monty Python sketch - called The Life of Brian." - English writer Lawrence Dallaglio on national coach Brian Ashton
"We went into South Africa with no direction, no shape and consequently no belief. It was the worst week I had known in international rugby." - English player Mike Catt on his team's initial poor performance at the Rugby World Cup (they went on to place second in the tournament)
Basketball
"If I have offended any cowboys, any Texans, any horses or anybody else, I want to apologize for this." - L.A. Lakers coach Phil Jackson "apologizes" for his Brokeback Mountain reference
"When we lose, I blame the referees anyway." - Golden State Warriors guard Baron Davis, on why the Tim Donaghy scandal won't cause him to look at refs more closely
"I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island." - Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas should bone up on his cinematic history before considering the real-estate market
Volleyball
"Beach volleyball in Mongolia is very difficult, because we don't have any beaches." - Mongolian beach volleyball player Bayarmaa Tsogtbaatar
Golf
"Some players have psychologists, sportologists. I smoke." - Angel Cabrera, U.S. Open winner
"This is the icing of the gravy." - Reserve qualifier Lucas Glover after his opening-round 71 at the British Open.
"I'll be in my villa in Malaga in 34 degrees smoking a cigar and drinking wine. You play in the rain." - Miguel Angel Jiminez to fellow golfer Paul McGinley, on why he's skipping the European Open in Dublin
Tennis
"I feel like a cow on ice." - Maria Sharapova on playing on clay
"Um, we both owned Alaska at one point." - Tennis player Dmitry Tursunov on the similarities between his native country (Russia) and his adopted one (America)
Boxing
"I'm not as top as I'd like to be, but I'm topper than others." - Heavyweight champion Vladimir Klitschko.
Formula 1 Racing
"This is the best feeling I ever had. You cannot compare it to sex. But you know, I would say it is better than sex. It is!" - Lewis Hamilton after winning the Canadian Grand Prix
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