It's remarkable how insane the Vancouver Canucks - Boston Bruins rivalry has become lately following Saturday's
Stanley Cup rematch. It's led to everything from
fanbase and organizational fights to
media going after bloggers who cover the other team to
reporters verbally duking it out with opposing players to
allegations of media defacing the NHL's media guides merely because a player they didn't like adorned them. There are some serious questions about the media's role in all this, and I talked about some of them this morning in an excellent discussion with
Jessica Quiroli and others. Serious discussions aren't a lot of fun, though, so instead, I present one of the wackier ideas that came to mind; rewriting Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" (original quotations available
here) to cover the Vancouver-Boston rivalry, and particularly Boston's Brad Marchand's
polarizing hit on Sami Salo and subsequent suspension. Thanks to
Cam Charron,
Thomas Drance,
Tom Hawthorn,
Jason Ford and
Ashok Sadana for their help, and thanks to
Maclean Kay and
PPP for encouraging me to turn this into a post. What follows is a partial script. Call me, Hollywood!
THE MARCHAND OF VENICE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
- In the role of Shylock, Brad Marchand, A Bruin
- In the role of Portia, Brendan Shanahan, A Disciplinarian
- In the role of Antonio, Sami Salo, A Wounded Canuck
- In the role of Gratiano, Alain Vigneault, A Coach
- In the role of Bassanio, The Vancouver Media, A Dubious Entity
- In the role of Salarino, Zdeno Chara, A Boston Captain
ACT I:
"In sooth, I know not why I am always injured. It wearies me, you say it wearies you." - Salo
"I hold the NHL but as the NHL, Vigneault, a stage, where every man must play a part, and mine a sad one." - Salo
When criticized for his team fighting back against Boston, "Why should a man whose blood is warm within, sit like his grandsire cut in alabaster?" - Vigneault
"There are a sort of men, whose visages
Do cream and mantle like a standing pond;
And do a willful stillness entertain,
With purpose to be dress'd in an opinion
Of wisdom, gravity, profound conceit;
As who should say, I am Sir Oracle,
And when I ope my lips, let no dog bark!" - Vigneault on the Vancouver media
"Vigneault speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in all Vancouver." - The Vancouver media
"If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, Brad Marchand and the rest wouldn't be in the league and Sidney Crosby would still be healthy." - Shanahan
"When he is best, he is a little worse than a man; and when he is worst, he is little better than a beast." - Shanahan on Marchand
"If I can catch him once upon the hip,
I will feed fat the ancient grudge I bear him." - Marchand on Salo.
"They hate our sacred nation; and they rail,
Even there where Canucks fans most do congregate,
On me, my hits, and my well-won roster spot,
Which they call a disgrace." - Marchand on the Vancouver media.
"Thee devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness,
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek." - Salo on Marchand's justifications.
"O Father Shanahan! What these Canucks are,
Whose own hard dealings teaches them suspect
The thoughts of others!" - Marchand to Shanahan.
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