Apocalypse Now, soccer style

"We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. Village after village. Army after army. And they call me an assassin. What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin? They lie. They lie, and we have to be merciful, for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. I do hate them."

- Marlon Brando as Colonel Walter E. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now (Photo from Michael Heilemann)

"The European Union is an economic and political power with 27 members and 30 (soccer) associations — 15 per cent of the total of the FIFA family. Shall they make the rules for all the others? This is political interference. We should not be afraid to intervene."

- FIFA president Joseph S. "Sepp" Blatter



What's the connection between one of Hollywood's most interesting characters and the world soccer El Supremo? It's not as far-fetched as you might think. One is a power-crazed maniac willing to do anything to accomplish his nefarious goals; the other was famously played by Marlon Brando.

If you're one of the five people who have never seen Apocalypse Now, I highly recommend it: it's one of my all-time favorite movies. The special edition I have is particularly cool, as it features both the original movie and the 2001 "Redux" edition and has some very interesting commentary by director Francis Ford Coppola. I was watching it again the other day, and was struck by some of the similarities to the current world soccer situation, where Sepp Blatter's about to get into a no-holds-barred fight with the European Union over his proposed "6+5" rule. Like Kurtz, Blatter seems willing to do absolutely anything to accomplish his end goals, even when those goals contravene laws.

Apocalypse Now interlude:
"He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops." - General Corman


The EU has made it absolutely clear that this proposal is blatantly illegal, and they've stopped behemoths before (just ask Bill Gates!). Consider these comments from EU spokesman John MacDonald (I assume he's no relation to McGlovin, McPrimeMinister, McPremier or McFootballer):

"'The 'six plus five rule' of FIFA is simply a rule that is based on grounds of nationality so that is incompatible with community law,' he told Sky Sports News.
'If they were to implement the 'six plus five rule' in Europe what would happen is any professional football player who feels aggrieved by the rule would be able to take the football club concerned to court and he would probably win the case.'"

That's a pretty firm stance, and the comments about anyone feeling aggrieved taking the club concerned to court should bring back enough Bosman memories to give any sane man room to ponder if he really wants to fight an extremely powerful multinational government that has shown before it isn't afraid to get involved in the business of football. MacDonald's comments were later further backed by the commissioner responsible for employment issues, who took an even stronger stance.

"'The European Commission is showing a red card to the 'six-plus-five' rule,' said European Commissioner for Employment and Social Affairs Vladimir Spidla.
'This would be direct discrimination on the basis of nationality, which is unacceptable. It's a non-starter.
'Professional football players are workers, therefore the principle of non-discrimination and the right to free movement apply to them.
'If EU member states allowed the application of the six-plus-five rule they would be in breach of EU law and players who are discriminated against could take the member states to court - and they would win.'"

Apocalypse Now interlude:

"You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like … victory." - Lieutenant-Colonel Bill Kilgore

At this point, most people would be bowing and scraping to the E.U. and sending them baskets of flowers and chocolate so that they might be allowed to escape with their hides. However, Blatter hasn't backed off one iota. From this Soccernet story:

"Blatter last week cleared the first major hurdle for his controversial rule when the FIFA congress voted 155-5 in favour of him pursuing the plan.
That vote in Sydney kept Blatter on a collision course with European lawmakers who say the rule, which would limit the number of foreign players who can start a match to five, would contravene its free movement of workers regulations.
Blatter, however, disagreed.
'I am sure it will be done... I am very confident about it,' he smiled after the vote. 'They are saying it is illegal. For what, for whom and when? And if there is a law ... you know a law can be amended or altered.'"

Doesn't that just sound slimy? You can picture Mr. Burns rubbing his fingers together while saying that. You think of a rogue soldier like Colonel Kurtz, doing whatever he deems necessary to achieve his end goals. If it's illegal, so what? I'm sure legalities don't mean all that much to someone who's already faced substantial allegations of corruption (I highly recommend Andrew Jennings' excellent book "Foul!" if you want more details).

Apocalypse Now interlude:

"Well, you see Willard... In this war, things get confused out there, power, ideals, the old morality, and practical military necessity. Out there with these natives it must be a temptation to be god. Because there's a conflict in every human heart between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. The good does not always triumph. Sometimes the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have. Walter Kurtz has reached his. And very obviously, he has gone insane." - General Corman

The soccer version:

"Well, you see... in the murky world of international football, things get confused out there, power, ideals, money and practical political necessity. Out there, running one of the world's most powerful sporting organizations, it must be a temptation to be god. Because there's a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and the irrational, the idealistic and the pragmatic, the good of the game and the good of those running the game. The good of the game does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side of world finance and politics overcomes the better angels of our leaders' nature. Sometimes, the tremendous power they hold leads them to think they're above the law and can challenge the world's most powerful governments. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have. Sepp Blatter has reached his. And very obviously, he has gone insane."

The biggest problems with this whole idea are that it isn't good for the game, it isn't good for the fans and it isn't good for the players. People can speak all they want about providing opportunities for local players, but the fact remains, those opportunities already exist. There currently aren't any leagues where the local players aren't good enough to compete. Consider England, often used as a case in point: except for Arsenal, I'm quite sure that every side regularly starts at least one English player (and Arsenal do as well from time to time). The Premier League attracts much of the best talent from around the world, but there are still plenty of local players in it. The situation in Italy, Spain and Germany is quite similar, except with even more local talent. If you listen to Blatter and his cronies, you'd think English players are being kept out of their own league, which simply isn't the case. The ones who are good enough to compete at that level have jobs: the ones who aren't have to go elsewhere.

When you start mandating a "6+5" rule, not only do you diminish opportunities for foreign players, you reduce the overall quality of the game and you spread the players far too thin. Do fans really want to see Didier Drogba and Solomon Kalou playing for some no-name team in the Ivory Coast league because English teams have used up their import quotas? They'd probably catch on somewhere, but this is the logical conclusion of these kind of rules. Is it good for the game to remove a creative foreigner like Patrice Evra solely on his country of origin and replace him with Nigel Walker from Brighton? My answers are no and no.

One thing that's helped with soccer's recent rise in popularity, especially in North America, is the prominence the English Premier League has gained. Fans want to see the best players in the world competing against each other on a more regular basis than just at the World Cup every four years. England doesn't have them all yet, but the English league is attracting more top-quality talent than ever, which in turn fuels massive TV revenues, which makes the clubs richer and allows them to buy even more expensive players. If you bring in 6+5 and reduce English soccer to a dull, plodding game with only a few top-level talents, say bye-bye to that popularity surge. This isn't intended as a slight on English players: their best players can compete with the best in the world and deserve the Premier League positions they have. Their middling talents, however, cannot compete with the best players in the world: that's why they are middle-of-the pack players. They're the ones who you'll see if 6+5 comes in, and they'll be responsible for the demise of entertaining top-level soccer as we know it.

Apocalypse Now interlude:
Jay "Chef" Hicks on Kurtz: "He's worse than crazy, he's evil!"

In my mind, this is a typical Blatter move, pandering to his support among African and Asian countries while hurting the Europeans (who voted for Lennart Johansson back in 1998). The thing is, though, it isn't even good for the players in those countries, as you're now taking away their chances to play on the big stages, gain valuable experience and earn a decent salary. It's also going to hurt those countries' national teams: competing against the best has a dramatic tendency to improve your own game, but their players won't be challenged if they're stuck in a crappy domestic league. The people it is good for are the elites running soccer in those countries. They don't care about the welfare of their players, and they probably aren't even too concerned with how their national teams do, but if their domestic leagues all of a sudden get an influx of stars who used to play in Europe but now have nowhere else to go, their revenues rise dramatically and their pockets get lined.

Apocalypse Now interlude:

Willard: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Kurtz: Are my methods unsound?
Willard: I don't see any method at all, sir.

In the end, though, this is likely moot, as I can't see FIFA winning this if they go to court against the EU. Thus, it turns into another ill-advised publicity stunt by Blatter (remember the short shorts fiasco)? It's interesting that this comes at a time when the Swiss bribes trial (involving Blatter) is still going on. Blatter also managed to turn "6+5" into the big issue of the FIFA General Conference last weekend, nicely avoiding most of the discussions of the trial (the chair of the ethics committee, Lord Sebastian Coe, didn't even bother to turn up).

Perhaps the whole thing is merely an attention-grabbing ploy? In any case, we'll see if this comes to the ominous showdown I expect where Blatter finds out that he can't just follow Kurtz and act unilaterally, or if he decides to back off. Will the European judges have the guts to play Willard to Blatter's Kurtz? In any case, like Apocalypse Now, the journey just keeps getting more and more surreal.

P.S. Thanks to Mike for pointing me in the direction of the original Globe piece on this.

The NHL: Where Gary Bettman Happens

(Photo from The Red Line)

Gary Bettman's most recent interview with Ron MacLean, which just aired on CBC's pre-game show, clearly is deserving of its own place in history on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. I recommend at least a 78: better than the Super Bowl Shuffle but not quite up there with Bill Clinton's denial. Credit to MacLean for going after Bettman with both barrels blazing, instead of throwing the softballs usually delivered at the commissioner's public appearances (often by broadcasters from his league's own network) or by callers to his radio show.

A key topic of conversation was sports business columnist extraordinaire Rick Westhead's piece in the Toronto Star yesterday, which revealed that the six Canadian teams (20 per cent of the league, if you're keeping track) account for a staggeringly disproportionate 31 per cent of the league's gate receipts. This provoked incredible hilarity, as Bettman tried to bash the piece as sensationalist journalism without actually denying any of the numbers or statistics cited. One of the greatest moments in the interview came right at the start, when Bettman attempted to reverse the spin of the numbers (an effort that must have made Nick Naylor proud), saying, "It is a little disproportionate, and I think that that may be a very good thing." He went on to talk about how the Canadian teams were struggling back in the late-1990s, and how it's supposedly healthy to have it the other way now.

Um, hello? Is Bettman's brain on? First, most of those struggles were due to a Canadian dollar that was in the dumps during the 90s and hit an all-time low of U.S. $0.61 as late as 2002. When your main expense (salaries) is in U.S. dollars and your main income streams (gate attendance and TV) arrive in a currency that's almost 40 cents below even, but the prices don't tend to be that different for TV deals and seats, that's a severe problem. The dollar's rise to parity has had far more to do with the recent success of Canadian clubs than any league initiatives. Second, any economist worth his salt could tell you that it isn't healthy to have 20 per cent of your clubs (and the 20 per cent that experiences only minimal marketing, as most of the league's efforts are focused on growing the game south of the border) bringing in 31 per cent of one of the significant revenue streams (and it's not unreasonable to think that the TV and corporate sponsorship numbers are similar).

It got even better from there. "Frankly, revenues are growing all across the league," Bettman said. "Any suggestion to the contrary is someone trying for a headline." Uh, sure they're growing, but not all across the league. The ever-excellent James Mirtle did some calculations and figured out that 60.3 per cent of the $119 million in ticket revenue growth came from the six Canadian teams. Sixty per cent of the growth! That's even worse than the 31 per cent overall. When you factor in that a huge amount of that supposed "growth" is really just additional revenues from the rise of the Canadian dollars, it paints a portrait of a league that is in pretty dire straits financially. As the Globe's Stephen Brunt wrote yesterday, "In a league that in the absence of significant national television money in the United States relies heavily on live gate, 31 per cent of ticket revenue is generated by Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Calgary, Ottawa and Edmonton. Even those at the small-market end of the Canadian spectrum are bringing in more than twice the gate receipts of at least eight U.S.-based franchises. Take away the exchange rate bump, and a passion for the game in this country that only increased after the great labour war, and you have a sports business that is close to stagnant."

Bettman continued on in this fine vein of form, growing more flustered and blustery with each passing moment. His quotes also began to make even less sense. "The Canadian clubs are somewhat in the mid-twenty per cent range." What does that even mean? It sounded like he was trying to suggest that Canadian franchises are middle-of-the pack economically, but that's in sharp contrast to Westhead's numbers, which are actually the NHL's own numbers (he got them from a secret league document). When MacLean suggested that the game's in trouble south of the border, Bettman responded with "Trouble's a funny thing," which tells you absolutely nothing. He then continued with the always-reassuring "Everything's going to be fine," said in "We've just hit an iceberg" tones, and the ever-popular "We're in the best shape we've ever been in," which not only elevates him to the Liars' Hall of Fame with such luminaries as Clay Bennett, but also makes me even more disillusioned with this league: if this is the best it's ever been, maybe we should just let it die, as there's little worth saving at the moment.

The interview continued to get even better. Bettman went after MacLean for only talking about gate receipts, saying that they'd seen huge attendance jumps in the U.S. MacLean quite rightly saw through this smokescreen and asked Bettman if that wasn't only due to the sharp discount on tickets in most American markets to try and get to the magical 14,000 number needed to receive revenue-sharing. Bettman knew his bluff had been called, and awkwardly responded with "That's one part of the equation. You have to have a certain portion of paid attendance." He then went on a wild stream-of-consciousness rant about "people" having "agendas" that made Buzz Bissinger look positively lucid.

Bettman then continued in fine form when MacLean asked him about the ongoing federal investigation of Nashville part owner William "Boots" Del Biaggio III, who's pretty much only in the group to move the team to Kansas City. Del Biaggio is now being sued for "complete fraud" in relation to his business dealings, as opposed to his supposed intentions of keeping the team in Nashville. Bettman first asked MacLean about the terms of the investigation (which you'd expect he'd know, as it affects one of his owners, but I'll give him a bit of a break here as this is pretty late-breaking). Afterwards, he said, "Nobody in Nashville should worry. The Predators will be absolutely fine." He also seemingly refuted the possibility of the team moving. Hey, at least he's on the same page as the team management, which said that the investigation "will have no impact whatsoever." As Greg Wyshynski points out, Bettman might actually be right on the team staying in Nashville for a while longer: if Del Biaggio's out of the picture, there's less of a push to jump to Kansas City. As another interesting thing, Del Biaggio is one of at least three NHL owners currently under some form of investigation: the Anaheim Ducks' Henry Samueli is being sued by the SEC and accused of fraud, and their 2007 Stanley Cup final opponent's owner, Eugene Melnyk of the Ottawa Senators, is fighting both the SEC (which his company paid $10 million in a settlement) and the Ontario Securities Commission. Sounds like we might be back to the days of Bruce McNall and John Spano.

(Aside: Kansas City? Seriously, what's with the rush to move into the Midwest? Does the NHL want to start a "Dust Bowl Division" before the NBA can? The only good thing that could possibly come out of an NHL franchise in Kansas City would be Joe Posnanski writing about the league.)

Bettman continued with a fine comment on the state of the league, "There's been a lot of suggestions, a lot of allegations that we're doing something wrong." Hmmm... maybe those suggestions are arising because you're actually doing A LOT OF THINGS wrong. As Brunt wrote, "There are a couple of ways one might describe the Gary Bettman era in the NHL. Unequivocal failure would be one."

Coming soon: ways to fix what Gary hath wrought upon the league.

The System of a Downie

Following the Philadelphia Flyers is the equivalent of watching a train wreck in slow motion, any horror movie, or even most episodes of The Office (or most other comedies for that matter)... you know things are going to go horribly wrong, but you can't turn away. The most recent calamity again has Steve Downie's handiwork written all over it, as he tried to gouge out the eye of Toronto Maple Leafs' forward Jason Blake with his thumb (after a linesman separated the two). This time, though, league discipline czar Colin "Soupy" Campbell (yes, he was actually called that during his playing days with the Canucks) decided that the act didn't even warrant a suspension, which is completely ridiculous. As James Mirtle points out, even Downie's own GM (who incidentally led the Flyers in career penalty minutes until the early 1990s) isn't defending him this time, but Colin Campbell somehow is.

Another incident in the same game that's potentially even more serious (in terms of career damage) but has gotten less attention was Derian Hatcher's head-hunting. In a moment that was both tragic and darkly comic, Hatcher tried to nail Alex Steen with an incredibly dirty jumping hit/elbow, but fails miserably. Steen ducks, and Hatcher winds up hitting teammate Joffrey Lupul, knocking his helmet off, and driving his head into the ice. You can see the video here. As one CBC commentator (I think it's Greg Millen) points out on the clip, "What is he thinking?!" The results: Lupul winds up in hospital with a spinal contusion and a concussion. If this was another team's player, people would be baying for Hatcher's blood as well as Downie's. It's tough to assess a suspension based purely on intent, but if there ever was a time to do it, this would be it. (Interestingly, Hatcher may be facing a suspension for a different incident, where he reportedly bit the finger of the New Jersey Devils' Travis Zajac. The man should change his name to Mike Tyson already!)

These incidents are merely the symptoms of the problem: the disease goes right to the organization's roots. Despite GM Paul Holmgren's attempts to evade blame in the Downie incident, he is directly responsible for a large part of the continuing stupidity involving the Flyers. It is not a coincidence that one organization has racked up five suspensions so far this season. Bobby Clarke, one of the dirtiest players who ever lived (consider his slash on Kharlamov back in the 1972 Summit Series as an example) is the former GM and current senior vice-president, responsible for much of the pervading organizational culture in Philly these days. Holmgren, a former Broad Street Bully (and the aforementioned former penalty king of the Flyers), is cast from much of the same mould, and so is head coach John Stevens, who racked up 1399 penalty minutes in 834 career AHL games. They've filled their team with Downies, Hatchers, and Boulerices (if you missed any of the earlier incidents, including Jesse Boulerice's attack on Ryan Kesler, check out my post here about them), and now they should pay the price. Kudos to the league for threatening action against the team if these incidents continue, but a giant raspberry to Campbell for neglecting to take any action against Downie or Hatcher.